Thank you for including me in your exhibition! Well, actually, you didn't include me, but I went to your opening and I did my site-specific performance, "Urinating in a Pubic Toilet" (1973-ongoing), in the gallery's restroom. It is a piece I have performed countless times since I was a child. Although no one was able to actually view the piece itself besides me, when I came out of the bathroom, there was someone waiting to use the toilet, and there is a small chance that they were able to hear my pee stream, or at the very least, the sound of the toilet flushing. Anyway, congratulations on a wonderful looking and brilliantly conceived show. The opening was great, and I got to meet a lot of interesting people and I handed out my business card to some 50 people!
On a related note, I was wondering if you can come by for a studio visit. I have a new performance piece that I know will interest you that involves blue polka dot underwear.
I was also wondering if you can write a recommendation for me for my application to a NASA program to be "The Second Artist in Outer Space." (Apparently, the first artist in space position has already been filled by some European artist dude.) The recommendation letter is only supposed to be 10,000 words long, so it shouldn't be difficult at all. Oh, and there's a 5,000-question questionnaire about me that you will also have to fill out. You can download it at: http://www.whyartistsareamongthemostannoyingkindofpeopleyouwillevermeet/especiallyifyoureacurator.html.
I was also wondering if you would write an essay for the self-published catalog of my non-existent solo exhibition at the new fictitious gallery in my mind, "The New Fictitious Gallery in My Mind." Located in my mind at the corner of Right Hemisphere and Medulla Oblongata, The New Fictitious Gallery in My Mind will be opening in a few weeks and the gallery director there has chosen my work as the inaugural exhibition! I am so excited, and I'm sure you are too!
I'm thinking that the essay can be somewhere in the range of 10,000 to 27,500 words. I will provide you with several thousand images of my work that you can choose from to include in your essay—and also recordings of over 8,000 hours of me talking into a tape recorder about my personal philosophy about art and my unique and amazing art process, which no one else in the world does or even knows about because it is top secret and unique and amazing. You can find some unique and amazing quotes in these tapes, for sure. They are cassette tapes, so I hope you have a tape player. If not, there are many on eBay that you can purchase. You could borrow mine, but unfortunately, it plays tapes really fast and makes me sound like Alvin the Chipmunk on speed. And I know that you will want to hear every word clearly.
For the essay, please make sure that you mention how my work involves and expands on theories by Freud, Lacan, Derrida, de Beauvoir, Wittgenstein, Locke, Hobbes, Aristotle, Shakespeare, Einstein, Eisenstein, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Camus, Foucault, De Man, Adorno, Deleuze, Cixous, Heidegger, Kristeva, Gadamer, Levi-Strauss, de Saussure and Baudelaire. Oh, and of course, Karl Marx, the Marx Brothers and Richard Marx, the 80s pop star whose many hits included "Should've Known Better." Also, please include the following line: "He is among the most impressive artists I have ever encountered." Or something similar.
Also, I was wondering if you would come and speak to my weekly art therapy group. The next meeting is tomorrow and is an all-day meeting, from 9 to 5. We talk about how art has changed our lives and, more specifically, how our own art can change the world. Of course, you wouldn't have to speak the whole time, just the second-half, like from 1-4pm. I will email you images and artist statements from all the artists—between 20-30—so that you can review the work tonight and prep for tomorrow. I am hoping that you will be able to comment on everyone's work—basically a casual portfolio review, after the meeting. If only 20 people show up, it shouldn't go past midnight. I hope you don't mind, but I gave all of them your email address so they will be contacting you directly to set up studio visits with them at your convenience, of course. I know you will have valuable advice for everybody!
Also, I was wondering if you could recommend any galleries, collectors, writers, journalists, scholars, other curators, etc., who might be interested in my work. If you could provide me with a detailed list of you top 100 suggestions, including name, daytime/evening phone number, email address, mailing address, height, weight, birthdate, Twitter feed, that would be extremely helpful. Also, please rate each individual on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being least likely to be interested in my work, and 10 being most likely, that would also be helpful. Alternately, you could simply put them in the order you think I should get in touch with them.
I attach an original artwork of mine, "The Best Drawing in the World," which is my way to say thanks! Please print it out on high-quality archival paper and frame it -- I think a Baroque-type frame would be most fitting. And also I would appreciate it if you would hang it in your home in a very prominent place where all your guests will be able to see it. Over the couch in the living room would probably make the most sense!
Thanks!
Best regards,
R. Mutte
